Foresight on 
Written by Jen Graziano, Attorney/Licensed Funeral Director/Owner
Every funeral director holds in their possession an arsenal of war stories from the field. From the unique situations we encounter with families, the memorable characters we deal with and the far fetched “asks” we sometimes hear, we see more than most, for sure. I, personally had a recent encounter that left quite an impression, worthy of sharing with my fellow colleagues in my opinion. The story, I hope, will remind us of our role as funeral directors. We are here to literally and figuratively hold the hands of our client families, and how well we do that makes all the difference.
I recently had the privilege of meeting with an elderly gentleman, coming to the funeral home to discuss his own arrangements. The purpose of the meeting is one we’ve all heard before, making his plans so his children aren’t saddled with the burden of doing so in the future. I always find that to be the final selfless act of a parent. This gentleman’s story, however, deviated from the path that I so often travel down with client families. Like many, he said he wanted to discuss having a wake, then a Mass, further indicating his devotion to his faith. He repeated several times his belief in adhering to tradition. When it came time to ask about the final piece of the funeral, he hesitated. He said he wanted to learn about burial or cremation, saying the latter somewhat hesitantly. In standard fashion, I dove into my now regular routine repertoire, outlining the options available for cremation and reminding the client that cremation is only an end and does not preclude the need to honor a life lived. Mistakenly, or perhaps through conditioning over recent years, I started to shift this pre-arrangement into a cremation with services. The man redirected our conversation into questions of cost. “How much will I really save with cremation” he asked, going on as if to try an manipulate my answer, he furthered, “Will I really save that much money by getting cremated?”.
As our dialogue continued, I listened attentively to my client, as I believe every funeral director should. A family will drop subtle queues and open a door into learning more about themselves, their mindset and their values, if only we are wise enough to listen. I heard the hesitation of this man with cremation, yet I felt he was asking about it as if he felt he had to. I put down my pen and paper, looked him in the eye and said, “You don’t want a cremation, do you sir?” His response, “No, I don’t, I was just afraid of the cost and thought I had to”. The man went on to confess a deep fear he held of cremation.
Not following a script or a GPL, I continued with a face to face, eye to eye, honest conversation with this man. I indicated that the method of disposition would not yield a significant cost difference if he was opting for traditional services such as a one day wake and church service. The more we continued to talk the more comfortable he became. He entered our discussion with a preconceived misconception that traditional burial had a dramatically higher price tag than a traditional cremation. He was about to make a decision based on incorrect information, and was willing to sacrifice his own comfort and personal preferences. Had he met with another funeral director who did not take the time to actively listen to his wants, needs and concerns, what a different outcome could have been.
The takeaway from this tale is twofold. First, the perception out there is that the cost of burial is so high that cremation often becomes necessity. People are opting for cremation not because they want to but rather they feel they need to. If we are not intentional in our arrangement discussions, the trail of misinformation will grow and continue to skew our cremation statistics. There are a significant number of people that still believe in service, still value tradition and still want to have their funerals “the old fashioned way”. We, as directors, have to bridge the gap between perception and reality. Once we start reminding families that cremation doesn’t have to preclude service, and cremations are not necessarily low cost alternatives, perhaps burial options are back on the table. Humans are limited, they only know what they know. It is up to us, funeral directors, on the front lines, to educate our families on what funeral service entails along with the myriad of options available.
The second moral of the story; listen to your client families. No arrangement should ever feel routine. Each arrangement should be as unique as a a fingerprint, tailoring the selections to the needs and wants of that particular family. Never assume if a family begins a discussion of cremation that they are necessarily “sold” on that choice. And if they do go down that road, show them that cremation is only one piece of the puzzle. We have to stop the trend of making cremation the default option based on price considerations. Cremation doesn’t make our work any less, we should be adequately compensated! Unabashedly so. Funeral directors need to be “active arrangers” and write the narrative for funeral service in a world that is trying to cast us aside and deem us irrelevant.
The arrangement, the bottom line and the satisfaction of a family is only as good as the director who sits before them. Bottom line, take an honest look at your arrangements and ask yourself if you are meeting the needs of a client family. Are you addressing their concerns, allaying their fears and ultimately letting them walk out of your funeral home in a better mindset then they entered. Do they walk out of your building feeling informed, empowered, confident in their decisions, and most important, with a positive impression of the funeral service industry, and if the answer is an honest “no”, start implementing changes to bring them there.